We often see codependency between adult children and their parents. The former struggle to become independent, find themselves, and realize their potential in society. The latter try to arrange their children’s lives according to their own vision instead of focusing on their personal lives. As a result, both parties are unhappy.
On one hand, we tend to laugh at 40-year-old bachelors living with their parents. On the other hand, there’s a beloved character from “The Irony of Fate” who demonstrates a remarkably strong symbiosis with his elderly mother. He has lived with her his entire life, dates brides, and doesn’t worry about a thing.
While everyone looks down on older women who remain in their mother’s apartment after turning 35, there are plenty of positive cinematic stories about single women. For instance, consider the school teacher from a well-known film by Raikin, who saved his elderly mentor from two greedy individuals trying to evict her from her apartment. What do we have as a result? Widespread codependency between adult children and their parents. The first group cannot become independent, find themselves, and realize their potential in society. The latter attempt to control their children’s lives instead of focusing on their own.
Initially, the state addressed this issue through communal apartments, where three or four generations coexisted in one space by default. Then came the massive Stalin-era apartments that were difficult to exchange when children started their own families. It seemed a shame to trade such palatial homes for modest one-bedroom apartments, so two or three generations continued living together. Following that, mass construction of family dormitories began, from which no one moved out into their own homes.
What kind of separation from parents can we talk about when families lack territorial boundaries? Two or three generations share a common household, one refrigerator, and one kitchen. Moreover, considering the infantilism of the younger generation, parents don’t marry off their daughters; they effectively adopt their husbands. They then raise their grandchildren as if they were their own children. This results in a confusing mix of roles and a lack of personal responsibility.
Why would a young father dig in his heels, make a career, and strive for a higher salary when there are parents who can help with food and clothing? He can just sit comfortably at work—warm, well-lit, and free from distractions.
Why would a young mother seek her own approach to raising her children and try new methods of parenting? It’s much easier to drop her child off at daycare with strangers in the morning and then hand them over to grandma in the evening. Grandma will raise the “old-fashioned,” “unadapted to life,” and socially inept grandchildren as best as she can. Not because she is bad or foolish, but because the time gap between her and her grandchildren is too vast.
Thus far, we’ve discussed the material side of things. And here, as the saying goes, the salvation of drowning people is in the hands of the drowning themselves. However, there are also psychological consequences. It is these consequences that shut all doors and gates for the younger generation. By the age of 25, a person often loses the ability to dream, achieve, and break through walls in pursuit of their stars.
If a child has not psychologically separated from their parents, they choose one of the following patterns:
- The first life pattern: “I will never be like you!” This approach is based on the principle of “out of spite,” decisions are made contrary to the parent’s influence, and goals are achieved to prove one is better than their mother.
- The second life pattern (which we are discussing now): “Mom achieved nothing, and neither will I. I am doomed to be just as much of a failure.” Naturally, people don’t express these thoughts aloud; such beliefs are often unconscious. The underlying message is that if my mother has spent her life as a cleaner (or as a divorced single mother) and did not provide me with a good education (or a strong life example), it’s unlikely I’ll achieve more. That’s just my fate.
Both patterns reflect codependency on the mother and a lack of separation, denying the fact that she is a separate woman with her own mind, education, life experience, and individual traits. She is fundamentally different from you because she is not you.
How to Recognize Codependency from Parents?
Not always does living together mean adult children are not independent. Similarly, separate housing does not always sever the umbilical cord with mom.
Scenario One: My friend’s mother was so codependent that at 50, she was still asking her mother how to make sandwiches correctly. The daughter was speechless at this dialogue—this woman, nearing retirement age, still consults her mother on how to prepare sandwiches for a holiday table.
The dependency was so strong that a 40-year-old woman voluntarily gave up her own apartment. She could have lived with her husband and child when her mother got an apartment, but she preferred to exchange two separate apartments to live again with her mother. She justified this decision as an expression of daughterly love and a desire to care for her elderly mother.
Scenario Two: One of my acquaintances (now in her 70s, while her mother is nearing 90) has lived under one roof with her mother all her life. Her only experience of independence was studying at a university in St. Petersburg. However, this ended quickly—with an unplanned pregnancy and a failed marriage. Thus, this woman with a year-old son moved back in with her mother and has not lived separately since.
The amusing part of this story is that they both find it incredibly difficult to live together. They argue and torment each other. Meanwhile, the daughter always claimed, “Who else will take care of our mother? She is old and frail.” The mother has the opposite argument: “Where would I leave her alone? She might get into trouble!”
Scenario Three: At first glance, there is a typical 40-year-old single woman. She has lived her entire life with her mother, except for two months when she tried to rent an apartment. Suddenly, the faucet leaked, the refrigerator broke down, and the gas stove stopped working. She had to return to her mother urgently.
The crux of this story is that they both secretly hate each other and constantly complain to their relatives. The arguments are real—complete with curses and physical confrontations. Yet, the single woman plays the role of “good daughter” in public, while her mother tries to maintain her sense of importance and relevance, transforming herself into a servant and a voluntary martyr.
What do all these stories have in common? Codependent relationships “freeze” the development of adult children and deprive elderly women of the meager chance to enjoy their old age.
A mother becomes the excuse for all failures in her daughter’s life, while the daughter serves as a solid reason for the mother not to leave her familiar discomfort zone. They both carry their burdens, with the daughter bearing the title of “Mother of the Year.”
How to Cut the Umbilical Cord After 30?
I want to clarify that we won’t be “healing” the mother here. You can only work on yourself. You cannot change other people, so let them live their lives as they see fit.
We will only focus on putting our thoughts in order and changing OUR attitude towards our elderly parents. Let’s get started.
Step One: Recognize that you have the right to your own life, filled with regrettable mistakes and successful decisions. Remember, you have the right to your personal, inviolable space, which no one, not even your mother, can invade without your permission. This is not only about physically ousting your mother from your room—teenagers can do that.
You always have the right to say “no” to your mother. Many “good daughters” struggle to end an uncomfortable conversation with their mothers, thinking, “She has the right to sort things out with me.” Yes, she does. But you also have the exact same right not to engage in those discussions.
Step Two: Move out. This step is non-negotiable! To separate from your parents, you must live in a separate space where your mother will not have authority, will not witness your mistakes, critique you, or “help you out.”
The least painful option is the American model, where at 16, you move to live on campus at university, and then returning home to your parents isn’t even considered. People rent apartments, lease homes their entire lives but do not live with their parents. This creates a healthier interaction than our post-Soviet existence, where three generations share the same territory.
Finally, stop trying to meet expectations. You are not in a “Best Daughter of the Year” contest, nor are you obligated to participate in it. You will not be able to fix your parents. But at the very least, you will give yourself a chance to grow, mature psychologically, and self-actualize in society.