These words I heard from my husband in response to my complaints that he doesn’t appreciate my efforts in managing the household. It was early in our marriage. At that time, I thought that within the socially approved views of what a diligent wife and mother should be, I was honestly doing my part of the responsibilities.

And then this phrase… It was like a bucket of cold water poured over my head. I spent a long time processing it, trying to understand the intricacies of the words in the sentence he had spoken.

Raised in the traditions of a Soviet family, I believed in the myth that a wife is primarily a mother and a homemaker. Other functions were like difficult assignments on a test: you could do them if you wanted, if there was time left. I could confidently say that I was doing everything right and as a good wife should. But I thought one thing and felt another. Words and actions can lie, but feelings never do. You can deceive others, but you can’t hide the truth from yourself. And the truth was this.

I was bored doing housework.

I prefer simple and quick meals and don’t like spending a lot of time at the stove.

When I take my son for a walk, I prefer reading a book rather than building sandcastles with him. I love sleeping in late in the mornings, ignoring the daily schedule.

I don’t like talking about other people’s children, their achievements, weaning, and similar topics with other mothers at the playground.

I want to go to work and prefer hiring a nanny rather than quietly losing my mind over monotonous household chores.

This is what I openly say today. A few years ago, I felt intense shame about it and denied my “dislike” for the myth of being a good wife and mother. I was torn inside between “want” and “should,” while my inner critic confidently ruled my consciousness. This could only end badly, resulting in breakdowns over nothing, a lack of energy, and feelings of guilt for being a terrible wife, mother, and generally a lousy human being.

Enduring this is difficult, sometimes unbearable. There is a temptation to project your feelings onto others. “It’s not me who is angry and irritable—it’s you who is angry and inattentive. It’s not me who is constantly dissatisfied; you are the one looking for reasons to argue. I snapped because of you. If it weren’t for your behavior, everything would be fine with us.” When we become deaf to our feelings, refuse to accept our dual nature, and hide the unwanted part of our personality in the shadows, we use psychological defenses: projection, denial, and shifting responsibility for our state onto others.

After that phrase my husband uttered, it became clear to me that the coziness of our home, which I was so “maniacally” striving for, depends not on clean floors and a gas stove, but on a mind free of “cockroaches.” Many beliefs exist in the context of popular ideas about what is normal and how things should be. In addition to these, in our own parental families, we are fed myths about how we should behave in order to be accepted by family and society. “What will people say?” becomes one of our most important life guidelines that we must always keep in mind.

Feeling our inadequacy and failure to meet social expectations, we perceive ourselves as falling short of acceptable standards and in need of correction. Every day, new versions of what a normal woman, normal man, and normal relationships should be arise. We live in constant tension and anxiety due to the efforts to conform to social norms and avoid our own failures. Couple relationships are arguably the leaders in terms of social standards and lists of expectations. Then begins the process of comparing the relationship with the existing list. The slightest mistake leads to feelings of guilt and fear about “What if I am a bad wife and mother?”

Here are some myths that I was “infected” with:

• A loving wife always takes care of the household coziness.
• A woman is responsible for relationships in the family.
• A loving mother should devote all her free time to her child and his interests.
• A husband and wife are loving partners who understand each other without words.
• Good wives don’t lose their husbands.

Social prescriptions combined with family myths can lead to a situation where, against the backdrop of external well-being, one or both partners may feel increasing tension and dissatisfaction.

Refusing to acknowledge those feelings that threaten the destruction of one’s self-image is a direct path to neurotic anxiety.

The way out of the situation is to not hide shame, not deny the truth, not wear social masks of virtue, but to turn anxiety outward and openly talk about who we really are. This is a big risk, with no guarantees, and it takes a lot of courage to take such a step.

This leads to the need to confront the realization that we are more and deeper than other people’s perceptions of us. It is important to step back from social prescriptions far enough to evaluate their suitability for life.

If I am not unambiguously good, then what am I?

What do I decide to do with this new knowledge about myself?

What price am I willing to pay for the opportunity to be myself?

How will I live with this knowledge about myself moving forward?

Where will I look for support and stability?

Resolving internal questions deprives us of social adaptation but also frees our shadow energy and gives us freedom. By acknowledging our integrity, recognizing the feelings that were previously forbidden, we gain the right to be ourselves. And only then can we give others the right to be different from us.

Relationships encompass a spectrum of feelings and their shades. They are possible with those who are not like us, who differ from us enough that we have the opportunity to understand ourselves better alongside them. Like a DNA molecule, they have their own unique structure and nothing to do with the frameworks imposed on them by society. To force them into the confines of family myths and social norms is to deprive them of the energy needed for growth and development. Relationships should be regulated by agreements between the couple, taking into account the strengths and weaknesses of both partners, their feelings and interests, and their vision of what is best for both. And this is true only for them.

Family myths are easily created and hard to debunk, especially if we firmly believe in them ourselves. But as soon as we confront them with reality, it becomes clear that none of them adds happiness to our lives.

Take a closer look at your relationships.

What inherited social norms block energy within them?

Do these thoughts make you happy and free, or do they cause feelings of guilt and disappointment?

Do they develop your relationships or hinder them?

How could they be phrased to account for your feelings?

What will happen to you and your relationships if you leave everything as it is?

There’s a lot to think about, isn’t there?